Self-Reflection

Rise up. It’s time to become a man

One morning several weeks ago I woke up.

This isn’t astounding or anything since I’ve woken up every morning for 8,786 consecutive days now. However, something life changing happened. It wasn’t a revelation, or an ah-ha moment. I can’t point to the exact second it occurred, but I woke up that morning and I knew something: It was time to grow up.

Growing up means different things to different people. In a lot of ways, I grew up at a very early age. I was an only child surrounded by adults. I developed a dry sense of humor, and became interested in “adult things” like news and politics early in life so that I could participate in conversations.

In other ways, I’ve stalled in the growing up department, at least by societies standards. I live at home with my parents, drive their car, and eat their food. Lots of people my age also do this, but most of them left for a few years during college… I was only gone 9 months.

Yet, on this one morning several weeks ago, there was something deep inside me saying, “you’re ready to grow up, be a man, and get married.”

I think for most people, there would be a deeply-seeded anxiety when those words were whispered into their souls. For me, it was hard to control my excitement and relief that God was finally calling me to the next great thing in life.

Then, it all came crashing down.

Unexpectedly, Suzie, my long-time love and best companion, dropped completely out of my life because she found someone else. With that, a lot of lessons have been learned through the heart-break.

One particular statement the morning after she left my life stands out however. Rick, the candidate with whom I’m working for, told me that “This is where God is going to turn you into a man. He’s going to take some of the false things that you think about yourself, and show you the truth.”

Another statement, from Barbara, my “other mother,” told me that “The woman for you is right around the corner, whether that’s Suzie or someone else.” It’d be easy to dismiss her words, which she told me just minutes after seeing Suzie walk away for the last time. But, somehow, someway, I was at peace with them and believed her, because they confirmed everything I realized that one morning several weeks ago.

It’s been about a month now since my world came crashing down. I’m still not sure what’s going to happen next. To be honest, I’m not sure the door with Suzie has been completely shut — but then again, that could just be my emotions talking. The two of us spoke for the first time the other night. It was both calming and upsetting, and my heart and mind have been in constant conflict over the two emotions since.

I’ve grown up a lot in the last few weeks, most of it has been uncomfortable — and forced. But, looking back, I can see the progress I’ve made. So much of me wants to call Suzie up and point out every little area that I’ve improved. But, that’s not the point. This is something that had/has to be done completely apart from her. That said, I miss her companionship, and just telling her the 1,000 little things that make up my day… the things no one else cares about. I miss her laying on my chest while watching the Bachelor, or a movie.

Talking to Suzie, I’ve seen the progress she’s made as well, and I’m proud of her. I just wish it didn’t have to be this heart-wrenching… with another guy reaping the benefits. 

No one said growing up was easy… but I sure as hell didn’t know it was this hard.

I’m not yet at that corner that Barbara foretold… but I can see it off in the distance. I wonder what, and more importantly, who is around it?

Tags: life update, manhood