One morning several weeks ago I woke up.
This isn’t astounding or anything since I’ve woken up every morning for 8,786 consecutive days now. However, something life changing happened. It wasn’t a revelation, or an ah-ha moment. I can’t point to the exact second it occurred, but I woke up that morning and I knew something: It was time to grow up.
Growing up means different things to different people. In a lot of ways, I grew up at a very early age. I was an only child surrounded by adults. I developed a dry sense of humor, and became interested in “adult things” like news and politics early in life so that I could participate in conversations.
In other ways, I’ve stalled in the growing up department, at least by societies standards. I live at home with my parents, drive their car, and eat their food. Lots of people my age also do this, but most of them left for a few years during college… I was only gone 9 months.
Yet, on this one morning several weeks ago, there was something deep inside me saying, “you’re ready to grow up, be a man, and get married.”
I think for most people, there would be a deeply-seeded anxiety when those words were whispered into their souls. For me, it was hard to control my excitement and relief that God was finally calling me to the next great thing in life.
Then, it all came crashing down.
Unexpectedly, Suzie, my long-time love and best companion, dropped completely out of my life because she found someone else. With that, a lot of lessons have been learned through the heart-break.
One particular statement the morning after she left my life stands out however. Rick, the candidate with whom I’m working for, told me that “This is where God is going to turn you into a man. He’s going to take some of the false things that you think about yourself, and show you the truth.”
Another statement, from Barbara, my “other mother,” told me that “The woman for you is right around the corner, whether that’s Suzie or someone else.” It’d be easy to dismiss her words, which she told me just minutes after seeing Suzie walk away for the last time. But, somehow, someway, I was at peace with them and believed her, because they confirmed everything I realized that one morning several weeks ago.
It’s been about a month now since my world came crashing down. I’m still not sure what’s going to happen next. To be honest, I’m not sure the door with Suzie has been completely shut — but then again, that could just be my emotions talking. The two of us spoke for the first time the other night. It was both calming and upsetting, and my heart and mind have been in constant conflict over the two emotions since.
I’ve grown up a lot in the last few weeks, most of it has been uncomfortable — and forced. But, looking back, I can see the progress I’ve made. So much of me wants to call Suzie up and point out every little area that I’ve improved. But, that’s not the point. This is something that had/has to be done completely apart from her. That said, I miss her companionship, and just telling her the 1,000 little things that make up my day… the things no one else cares about. I miss her laying on my chest while watching the Bachelor, or a movie.
Talking to Suzie, I’ve seen the progress she’s made as well, and I’m proud of her. I just wish it didn’t have to be this heart-wrenching… with another guy reaping the benefits.
No one said growing up was easy… but I sure as hell didn’t know it was this hard.
I’m not yet at that corner that Barbara foretold… but I can see it off in the distance. I wonder what, and more importantly, who is around it?
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5 Comments
Josh, Quite profound actually. I’m not sure you should be looking for who is around the corner. This isn’t about anyone but you. Well, you and God. Maybe He’s the one you should be looking for. You can’t change for anyone…..but Him. When we try to mold ourselves into what the world wants us to be, or in your case try to mold ourselves into what the world doesn’t want, our focus is off.
One of the things we start to get a grasp on in life, at least I’m hoping my grasp comes soon, is that uncomfortable is the norm. Set your eyes on Him and trust that He’s got the wheel of the car, you are merely a passenger. Now, when I say that it does not mean you just sit there and wait for the car to go. We are active participants in this life God gives us. Active is the key word.
See you this morning.
Rick, I agree… this isn’t about who’s around the corner. Maybe I should have concluded the blog with different wording. But, frankly, that’s what gives me hope right now, so it’s easy to look to.
So what are these changes that have happened, that you refer to? Don’t list them for Suzie, but do list them. For yourself, because that’s why you write. For the rest of us, who are excited to see you going this direction.
[Over-dramatic Stephen A. Smith voice] The people want tuh know! [/Screamin' A.]
Joshua….
I can’t even tell you how much I love you, how proud I am of you, and how blessed I feel to be a part of your life.
xo
Josh,
Nearing 30, married for 10-years, and having two children (5 & almost 3), I have to admit that I resonate with much of what you said. Our circumstances are much different, but I can relate in so many ways.
One of the things I’ve realized about being a man is that growing up is hard - and we often avoid it all costs. Being a child, and reveling in it’s magical and carefree world is comfortable and safe; it often helps us avoid the difficulites of this world. I also think it’s because God has put a lot of responsibility on our shoulders as men, or so we think. I’m supposed to be the spirtual head of my house, protect my family, care for my wife, raise my kids, and work to provide for them. It’s all up to me, right? I’m I worth enough? Can I actually succeed? Will my family accept me? Will they reject me?
You see, the above statement is true to a point. Yes, I’m caled to do those things, but I’m not supposed to carry the burden alone, at least not according to Jesus. I’ve learned that my wife is not there just to serve my needs, but to be my partner. She is equal in every sense, and I can’t bear the responsiblity of being a man, husband, and father without her love and support. Sometimes I feel she’s stronger than I, which I used to hate. Now I realize there’s strength in that weakness. Because when I submit to my wife (to her thoughts, suggestions, intuition, and wisdom), I’m a better man for it.
And being a man is about losing myself, and giving all that I am to Jesus. It’s about taking myself off the pedastal of superiority over my wife, my children, and others around me; it’s about coming down to meet them where they are, to love and serve them; it’s about realizing that I don’t have to prove anything to anybody to be OK. God has made me OK, and no one can take that away from me.
I only tell you these things to encourage you, and to let you know that older guys (whether they be 5, 10, 20 or 30-years older) all go through this at some level. Letting go of expectations, seeking Jesus first, serving and loving my family and others, and having a brother who understand me, have all shown me the path to manhood.
I read the greatest quote the other day, which spoke volumes to me:
“You have to know how to accept rejection, and reject acceptance.”
We never want to be rejected, but sometimes it’s necessary; we allows want to be accpeted, but our ego doesn’t need it. With Jesus, we are never rejected and we are always accepted. For me, understanding that concept has reminded me of what being a real man is all about.
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