Call me Mr. Obvious, but I haven’t been blogging much lately, despite good intentions. It’s been a rough 2008, a rougher month of March, and an even rougher week.
Going into this calendar year, I knew it would be a year of breaking, stretching, renewing, and severe change. So much hung in the balance; from my long term relationship with Suzie, to my continued education, to the way I approached my spiritual growth, to my money and living situations.
I just didn’t know it was going to get this hard this quick.
In fact, so much has come at me, that for the first time in my life, I’ve found myself in that deep and dark state of absolute depression. It’s been really hard, and I admire anyone who has persevered through this state for long periods of time.
I’m constantly stressed, I’ve lost too much weight too quickly due to a lack of appetite, I’m constantly tired, and for the first time here (though Suzie has let me know) I am admitting that there are times where I lose control of myself and my actions, and let the emotions get the best of me — not to the point of hurting her, or myself, but just putting both of us in bad situations.
I need help.
3 Comments
Josh,
I’ve been there before. I used to ask God to take it away, but now I try to ask him what it’s all about. What are you trying to show me? Teach me?
I’ve also learned that it’s OK to go through these down periods without feeling guilty, as if it’s not normal. It’s part of life, and I’ve experienced more growth in through the difficult times, over the good times.
I’ll never forget a story Rick told me once about going through a depressing time and when the communion plate was passed around at church, he took a handful of the bread. I’m sure we can all relate to that.
I’ll be praying for you. Hang in there!
Go back and read my blog about putting the brokenness under the blessing (as opposed to under the curse). It’s a Nouwen thing……
I sooooooooooo know how you feel, where you are, and what you are going through. And I soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo love you.
Let me know how I can help you and how I can be praying for you.
Thanks for your guys’ thoughts and prayers. It meant (and still means) a lot to me.
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